To my forever sweetheart, Sep 1st
I sit here at your grave. Moving my hands through the grass around your tombstone. My finger traces up and down through the letters where your name is carved. Today is your birthday. Can’t believe I lost you right before your big day. Twenty-one. I remember the days we would spend here. Eating. Laughing. Seeing your smile grow wider and wider the more time went on. I miss you. All I see is the slowly falling leaves, and the wind throws them around. I feel like them. I can’t seem to find my place without you. As the days go by more and more leaves fall from our tree. Hitting the ground. Crumbling into itself. Slowly drifting away. I miss you. I would usually tell you how my day went here, so here we go.
I woke up cold. The room was dim. I could barely pick myself up. But I can’t spend another day laying in bed. I went for a walk. The navy blue spray paint mark you made when we made those bird houses. I told you that you should have put a tarp down. You smiled. “I don’t need a stupid tarp,” you giggled. “I’ll get it. Don’t worry,” I watched you very clearly miss the piece of wood. You smiled again as you ran to get paper towels. Thinking you could get it off before it dried. A year later, it’s still there. Through all of the storms. Through all the rain. It lasted. I wish we did too.
I make it about 30 feet when I reach the stop sign you hit with your bike. You got them for our anniversary. Matching bikes. They even had a little basket in front of them. It felt like we were back in the 70s or something. You smirked. You dared me to race you to the end of the street. You started to count down when I darted forward. I did not even look back. I wanted to beat you so badly. You whooshed past me. Before I could accept defeat I watched you lose control. You moved a little too fast for your own good. I watched your handles whips back and forth. You hit the curb. You flew over your handles and landed right into the stop sign. By the grace of God you weren’t hurt. How did you manage that? How were you so unafraid of everything? You pedaled without even looking. How do you do it? I wish I had your confidence. I find myself looking at where I walk. I can’t seem to get myself to look up at the world around me. I never worried where I was going. I didn’t have to. Until I lost you.
I wandered further down the street. I can’t stop thinking about you. Why did you have to leave me? Why did you have to leave before I said all the things I thought. If I had said how much I loved you. How much you complete me. How you taught me to stop worrying. How to look up when I walk. How to stop being the thing that holds me back. What kept me from spinning out. What kept me from spiraling. What kept me from falling. Onto the hill. Our hill. Where you asked me out. I could tell something was wrong. You did that thing you do. Where the ends of your hands grab the end of your shorts. You kept doing it like something was coming. Something you were afraid of. I smiled. You sat next to me. Couldn’t even look me in the eye as you did it. As you did it, I could see the tension fall off of you. Like it’s a weight that you have been holding for years. I smiled again. I said yes. You smiled back, as if you didn’t know what my response was going to be. I want to be back there. I miss you.
I miss us. Sitting here. Wasting the day away. My head against yours. Your arm around me. Like nothing could ever stop how happy I was. How safe I was. How scared I am now. How I can’t hold myself. I can’t keep myself together. I can’t even catch myself as I fall further down the hill. I look at the grass. I touch it. It feels unreal. Like something I have never done before. It’s off-putting.
I walk. I keep walking. Hoping that I can walk you out of my head. Walk right into a new life. A life that isn’t about you. A life that doesn’t always lead me back here. To your grave. To our grave. To where it all happened. Where we shared our first kiss. Where you said you loved me. Where you held me when my dog died. Where I could always feel safe. Where I first saw you cry. Where I realized you were human. Where you realized I loved you. Where I finally let myself go. Where I could finally stop worrying. Where I let my guard down, and where you left me.
I miss you. I am sitting in the same spot. Where you sat next to me. Couldn’t even look me in the eye as you did it. My memory of it is fuzzy. Maybe it’s because I was crying. Maybe it’s because you tore the rug out from under me. Maybe it’s because you took half of me with you when you left. When you left me there. When you left me. Here. Right here. In our spot. Where everything happened. Everything I loved. Everything I held onto. Everything I needed.
I trace my fingers across your name. Every letter cuts deeper than the last. My hand falls. I see my name. You put them here. We put them here. Our tree was going to last forever. Funny we didn’t.
I miss you. I miss us. I miss feeling whole. I told myself I would never let myself lean on someone. Let someone have this power over me. But here we are. I am going to end this because I am afraid I won’t stop.
I hope to see you again.
-Your one and only
To my forever sweetheart, Sep 8th
I sit here in our bed. Stiff. I keep tapping my foot on the ground. Chewing my lip. I look out the window. I see the bushes. The bushes you said you would trim. Guess you forgot about those too. I’m getting the driveway redone. Thought you should know. Finally getting rid of that stupid blue mark on it. I mean do you even think? Do you have any sort of plan whenever you do anything? How could you just permanently be so reckless with everything? With the paint? With your bike? With your own life? With me.
I don’t miss you. Everyday I watch the flowers you got me wither. More and more everyday. They die. They’ve been dead for a while. It feels like they died faster than usual. Every Sunday. You’d knock on my door at 10am. Didn’t even matter how I looked. You said it was the best part of your week. It was mine too. I DON’T miss you. I miss being comfortable on my own. I miss not needing someone else sleeping next to me. Whatever. Why should I care? You clearly don’t.
I miss myself. I miss when I used to paint. Alone. I have no use for this second easel anymore. I shoved it back in the closet today. The room feels bigger. The house feels bigger. It feels so empty. How can I fill this on my own? You know what? I don’t need you. All I need is me. So I’m going to go to the store. Redoing EVERYTHING. Create a new life that doesn’t revolve around you. The paintings you picked out. The stupid ceramic bird your mom got me. I never liked it by the way. I start throwing things out. I don’t plan on stopping. Everything you chose doesn’t even work with the room. It doesn’t match. Things need to be planned. Things need to be organized. Things need to follow a theme. Things need to be perfect. You never cared about that. You never cared about perfection. And when you were around, I didn’t care either.
I don’t miss you. You were just a huge part of my life. I need to fix it now. Don’t think you’re so special to me. Don’t think I will be down for long. Don’t think I’m going to keep these stupid flowers. I’m not going to keep your stupid paintings. Your stupid birds. I’m going to stop myself. I’m afraid I won’t stop.
I hope you see me again.
-Your one and fucking only
To my forever sweetheart, Sep 19th
This is my final call to you. A curtain closing on the biggest act of my life. I have removed every trace of you from my life. Your paintings, your birds, your bike, and every little imperfection you created in this house. I have finally found my peace without you. I woke up finally feeling light. The pressure of your loss no longer weighs me down. I can’t be sad about my life anymore. I needed to move past you. So I did. I’m really not that mad anymore. Things happen, people leave, and the world keeps spinning. I need to just convince myself I will be ok.
You are gone. Six feet under. I’m alone. I’m ok with that. I will now be ok with that. I deleted your number today. Not that any of the messages have gone through for weeks. Every morning I just hoped I would wake up and you would have texted me back. Maybe even a missed call, and if I’m lucky, a voicemail. I miss your voice. How soothing and smooth it was. Made me sink into myself. Made me feel so warm. Made me finally relax for once in my life. But I don’t need it anymore. I don’t need you.
I miss us. I do. But I’m over it. Honestly. I feel free without you. I sold your bike and I have been going for a ride by myself everyday. It gets me out of my head. Thank you. Thank you for the best fucking years of my life gone. Not like I can get them back or anything. Nevermind. It’s fine. I’m fine. It’s whatever. I started cooking again. I went to the store today to start making my Grandmother’s sauce recipe. I had to call my sister for a photo of it. We haven’t talked in a while. It felt like I was talking to an alien. I mean I wouldn’t say we are close, but it felt so weird. I told her I was fine. She seemed to not believe me. I am not sure why, I have been doing so much better than I was. I even bought myself flowers today at the store. The flowers you should have been bringing to my door in about an hour. But I don’t need them anymore. I don’t need you anymore. I need me and that’s all. I can bring myself my own damn flowers. Because I love myself now. More than I ever loved you. More than you’ll ever love me. I’m gonna stop myself. I’m afraid I won’t stop. Don’t wanna hurt your feelings.
I hope to see you again.
-Your one and only
To my forever sweetheart, Oct 10th
I’m sitting in my car. Crying. Sobbing. Alone. It finally happened. I saw you. Why you’re back in town I don’t know. But why today. I just wanted to get my flowers. I wanted to keep living my own life. I mean I know I said I was fine. I know I was. I swear. I ran out the door without even paying. I couldn’t hold it together. Why? I don’t get why you’re back. I guess it doesn’t matter. I started my car and drove. I drove past your stupid fucking grave. The last place I had hoped to see you. I drove past your stupid fucking stop sign.
Finally back in my driveway. Still crying. Really not sure how I saw the road, or how I got here. But I’m here. I sit in the driveway. Where your paint splatter should be. Why do I want it back? Why am I punching the concrete? Why do I think it will do anything? Why did you leave me? Why do I want you back?
I can’t breathe. I can’t see. I can’t move. All I feel is my heartbeat. Why am I so upset? You haven’t mattered to me in a long time. I mean it’s been a month. A long month. Shouldn’t that have been long enough? Long enough to get over you? I wipe my tears. I stand up and look down at my feet. Right where the splatter used to be. Here I am again. Staring at my feet. Again. Always so worried about where I am. How I’m standing. Where I am going next. Shit. I had a schedule for today. Like usual you just drop in and wreck everything. How would you feel if I ruined your daily plan? I mean you did the same to my life. You just dropped in and ruined everything. I had things that needed to get done. You always get in my fucking way. Why can’t you just leave me alone for once? Like Jesus Christ.
I’m sorry. I guess. I don’t know anymore. I’m just sitting on the couch right now. Our couch. We picked it out together. We carried it in together. You broke the leg. Like you break everything. I wobble it back and forth. I wobble back and forth. Crying. Screaming. Missing you. Hating you. Shit. How long has it been? Feels like hours and seconds at the same time.
And just like that. Back to square one. Time to do it all over again. I guess. I checked the clock. It’s only been a half hour. But I feel so drained. My eyes are dry. My throat is numb. My mind is empty. My head is full. Shit. I’m gonna stop myself. I’m afraid I have nowhere else to go.
I can never see you again.
-Your one and only
To my forever sweetheart, April 7th
Happy birthday! It’s been a while. Shit. I genuinely can’t remember. Well anyways. I got you flowers for your birthday. Well for me. I made lunch and took Cooper with me to the stump. Oh yeah. They cut our tree down a few months ago. When it happened I was a little upset, but I realized it gave me a reason to stop feeling sorry for myself. It isn’t your grave anymore. It’s not where you left me. It’s not where I lost you. Because I never lost you. I mean sure you did break up with me. But when you took half of me, you left half of yourself. I mean I guess I didn’t get it until now. I could not just go back to who I was before I met you. I needed to embrace all of the things that I brought out in you. I repainted everything in the house. I just closed my eyes and picked a color. Sure when I chose lime green I put it back, but I kept my next choice. Navy blue. Sure it’s a weird color for my walls to be, but I like it. There’s something about it that calms me.
I got back to the house and I got my old vase out. My yellow flowers went so well with the deep blue background now. There’s something about the scene that just makes no sense, yet it’s perfect. It’s crazy how much you change without realizing it. I mean I tried so hard to move on, but I only did move on when I stopped thinking about it. And your birthday reminder on my phone this morning was a real eye opener. Sure I thought about you from time to time, but the thought never stuck. You are just a memory. Sorry I’m rambling. Oh my GOD I SOUND LIKE YOU. That’s terrifying !! Shit. Wow. All I can do is laugh about it I guess.
The sun is gonna go down soon, I gotta take Cooper on a walk. As I made my way out of the garage I saw your old tarp. NO WAY. My freaking bike. WIthout really thinking I hopped on. I zoom down the street, not realizing I Cooper is chasing after me. I mean it’s a good way to get his energy out. As I turn back around I realize I am right on course to hit the curb. I quickly turn right and miss the curb by just an inch. I would have flown right into the stop sign. Crazy I caught myself just in time.
As I head back inside I realize I left my groceries out. Shit. I gotta start cooking right away. I bust out my laptop and try to follow the video I saw the other day the best I can. You always cooked. God knows I can’t. But I just wanted to try something new.
As I settle into the couch I find myself melting again. I lit my candle and watched The Office for about the fourth time. There’s something about today that was so relaxing. I feel like I was sitting in a hot tub all day. Like I could just close my eyes and sink beneath the surface and still be able to breathe.
I hope you’re happy. Wherever you are. I mean I finally stopped telling myself that you died. I guess I didn’t wanna accept that you could want to leave me. Want to leave us. But you did. And it kind of fucking sucked to be honest. But it was kind of the best thing you ever did for me. I shouldn’t have to lean on people. I should be able to love all of myself before I can have someone else love me. I shouldn’t need you to look up for me. I can look up for myself. I guess I needed you leaving to show me that. That I can love myself without you being a part of me. I mean I guess you are part of me now. The pieces of you that drove me crazy were just things that I envied. Your craziness helps me keep myself out of line, because I need to stop caring so much about things. I finally get why I was so damn pissed off. Wow. I haven’t really thought about this in a long time. I kind of wonder what it would be like if we tried things out again. I mean I see you online. I know you’re happy with someone else. And yeah it stings a little, but we didn’t work. And I can’t be mad about that. So all I can do is just keep going.
I finally feel stable. I mean I did fix the couch you broke. I know right. I’m so cool now. I fix things all on my own. I even fixed your old eisel. I even redid my entire painting room. I spent days just splattering paint across the walls and doing whatever I wanted. Something you would have loved. Something I would have hated you doing. It’s still fun. When I feel blocked I just take whatever paint I want and just throw it all over the wall. It’s oddly soothing.
Cooper wants to go out again. Shit. It’s late. I grab my jacket and we walk out. It’s starting to warm up, but the nights still feel chilly. I wander down the street. I am not really paying much attention since we have taken this walk so many times. Then freaking Cooper starts running down a road we never have. I start chasing him. I’m not worried, no one drives much at this time here. I am in a full sprint because I don’t wanna lose sight of him. When he slams on the damn breaks and I go tumbling right over him. Landing right on some hill. Shit. Our hill. Did he know? Damn. He sat next to me and licked my face as if this was what he was supposed to be doing right now. I put my arms around him.
I’m never going to have it figured out I guess. I am never going to find the stability I have wanted. But shit, I’m pretty damn happy about how close I am right now. I start crying again. Not for you. Not for us. But for me. I guess I never thought I could be whole without you. Here I am. Ready for something new. Ready for someone new. Someone who I don’t need to watch. Someone who I don’t need to lean on.
I’m gonna stop myself. I’m afraid I’ll just keep talking. I know this letter is full of contradictions. I know it will make no sense to you, but it does to me. It’s messy and I probably sound insane, but right now. At this very moment. As I am covered in mud. Sweating into my jacket. Crying to my dog. Things are perfect.
I hope to see you again one day.
-Your one and only
